Season 6, episode 22

"Stop it!"

"Stop what?"

"You're talking about me in Morse Code. Well, you know what? Joke's on you 'cause I know Morse Code. Ha!"

"[chuckles] Yeah. That's what we're doing. In our very limited free time and with our very limited budget, we went and got a nanny and then we went out and took a class on a very outmoded and very unnecessary form of communication just so we could talk about you in front of you."

"Yup. That's exactly what we did."

"It all started when Dwight was tapping his foot against the leg of his desk. When I asked him to stop, he said, 'I will when you lose the baby weight.'"

"Very well. I must have imagined it. I apologize. [Pam clacking her stapler and Jim responding with tapping his keyboard rhythmically] Detonator. Detonator where? Michael!"

"Jim. Are you clicking a detonator?"

"It's a pen."

"Michael, come on."

"Get back to work, Dwight. Please."

"Fine. [clears throat] Hey. Tap away. [Dwight puts noise-cancelling headphones on and Pam and Jim begin to blink rhythmically]"

"Ooh! Things with Donna are so... oh-ho-ho! They're going great. I, uh... we're just clicking on every level. Emotionally and sexually and... orally and I am not used to relationships going this well. I'm actually having trouble focusing on my job. And I like it!"

"Who enjoys the weekends? [all raise hands] Of course. Now the weekend is always great if you have someone, which I do. I have Donna. She is hot. She has a Pilates butt. But we need to find something to do this weekend beside have sex. Did I say that? Yes, I did. [all nod] And the reason you are here is that I need ideas for things that Donna and I could do on the weekend. So just shout it out."

"I have an idea for your weekend."

"Okay."

"Let me get back to my desk right now."

"Okay, you get out of here, big dog. [high-fives Stanley] Ah, no, no, no, no. You guys sit down. I need ideas."

"Stanley got to go."

"Yeah, well, Stanley doesn't help with anything. Come on. Shout 'em out, shout 'em out."

"Walk around apple orchards."

"Oh!"

"Super romantic."

"That's fun."

"Eel fishing."

"All right."

"Curl up with your favorite DVD."

"You and Donna should hit the Poconos. They have heart-shaped Jacuzzis. Room enough for three."

"We actually went to the Poconos last Tuesday. We headed up there, we went to a little Chinese bistro, um, P.F. Chang's."

"Wait, why would you go all the way to the Poconos to P.F. Chang's when we have the Great Wall in Scranton."

"Because when your super-hot girlfriend says, 'I wanna go to Mount Pocono,' you go to Mount Pocono and you do her. And we screwed. Whoops. TMI."

"Wait, that's crazy far. Are you sure she's not cheating?"

"You know what, Kelly? This is the real world. Not The Real World: Scranton. Oh my God, this is super weird. When Ryan had two girlfriends, he used to take me to some diner in Hazelton just so the other girl wouldn't see."

"Some diner?! It was the Starlight Diner! It's in a LIFE magazine spread about Americana."

"You guys think Donna's cheating on me?"

"No, Michael, no."

"Are you nuts?"

"You had a nice meal with your girlfriend in a lovely place..."

"... and... we had sex, too."

"That is right. Don't make any more of it."

"How?"

"How what?"

"How do I not make any more of it?"

"You could start by concluding this meeting."

"All right. [all stand up to leave] And she won't say, 'I love you.'"

"Oh, no."

"How many dates have you been on?"

"Nine dates. I said it on the second date."

"Mm."

"That seems... quick. Even for lesbians."

"Does she keep her phone locked around you, Michael? Does she watch how much she drinks around you, Michael?"

"Does she leave the room when she takes phone calls? Does she keep perfume in her purse? Does she shower before sex? Does she shower after sex? Does she..."

"Yeah, she does all that."

"Sorry, dude."

"No, no..."

"Michael, do not let your imagination run amok."

"Run what?"

"Amok. It means, don't let your imagination run out of control."

"Why didn't you just say that, Pam?"

"Michael, do not let your imagination run out of control."

"Well, that's easy for you to say. You have a bad imagination. It's stupid. I live in a fantasy world."

"You do?"

"Yes, Jim, I do. And I can't stay in a relationship that is full of lies and deceit."

"But you didn't believe any of this was true five minutes ago."

"That's what makes it so wrong."

"Ever since I found out that Donna might be cheating on me, I have not eaten or slept. This not knowing, that's what's killing me."

"Oh, God, that tickles. What did..."

"[whispers] I want someone to follow Donna. I want her tailed. I need the name of a good private investigator."

"I think I've got one for you. [hands Michael a business card]"

"This is you. How much do you charge?"

"$100 a day, plus expenses."

"I'll give you $50. Money's no object."

"I'm just gonna warn you... and I say this to all my clients... you might not like what I find."

"Okay."

"And you might not like how I find it. [slides over table, leaves]"

"Of course. Yeah, that's terrible. Okay, let me get back to you. Hey, Stanley. One of my clients just called and said that their Sabre printer started smoking and caught on fire."

"My doctor told me to cut out hot dogs. We all got problems."

"Hey, Gabe I need to talk to you about something. It's really important."

"There's no way that you guys have any almond butter, right?"

"Yeah, I don't know. Look, one of my clients called. He was in the middle of a big printing job and the back of the printer started smoking and then the paper tray caught on fire."

"That's weird. I haven't heard of that happening. I would even settle for apricot preserves."

"What are we gonna do about this?"

"I don't know. Call HQ, see if they know anything. Yeah. That's what I'll do today. All right. Yeah."

"Let me know what they say."

"[puts newspaper down] Wow. That dude is good."

"What do you mean?"

"You didn't feel like he was hiding something?"

"I don't know."

"Like he was... covering something up? Maybe."

"Two years ago, Andy blamed the warehouse for a late shipment that he forgot to process. We got yelled at pretty bad. Almost lost my job, and I was mad as hell at the time. But I said 'Darryl, just wait. He's a fool. There's gonna be an opportunity. Just be patient.' [smiles]"

"[sitting on his Firebird's hood in front of a gym] Hi stranger."

"Oh, hi. You work for Michael."

"I work with Michael."

"Right."

"Dwight Schrute. [they shake hands]"

"Donna, hi."

"All cases are solved with logic. The only logical way to find out if Donna Is a cheater is to seduce her, bring her to orgasm, then call Michael and tell him the sad news."

"That's interesting. Wow, it's a little early for ice cream, don't you think?"

"It's never too early for ice cream, Jim. But we didn't have any ice cream, so this is mayonnaise and black olives."

"Oh!..."

"Oh, my God"

"It's comfort food, all right? [disgustedly] God."

"You know Michael, this whole Donna thing is gonna be okay, you just... stop beating yourself up."

"I know. Well, I hope you're right. We'll see what Dwight says."

"Why do we have to see what Dwight says?"

"Because I have him investigating her. I'm waiting for a text update."

"Michael, no..."

"No, no, no, no. Undo that. Undo that."

"It's too late to undo it. I need to know. Otherwise this thing is going to spiral out of amok."

"Michael. Okay, I'm... I'm going to talk straight to you because I think you need to hear it. Michael."

"God, this is so disgusting."

"Stop eating it! Do you wanna be happy? Look at you. You have a major self-destructive streak in you."

"I know."

"And you kind of torpedo every romantic relationship you're in."

"That's not true. [Pam stares him down] You're right, I ruin everything. And I've known some wonderful women. Holly, Carol, Jan."

"Helene."

"Helene?"

"My mother."

"Oh."

"My mother, Helene. [Jim shakes his head]"

"Oh, yeah. Yes, yes. Yes. All of, all of the greatest loves of my life."

"You should stop this, [pulls away mayo and olives bowl] and you should call Dwight right now."

"[sighs] All right. [calls Dwight]"

"[at gym, looks ready to work out, checks phone, and tries to grab Donna's attention] Oh, gosh, we were both going for the same weight at the same time; you go ahead."

"Thank you."

"It's all yours. [strains loudly to lift two dumbbells and a free weight chained to strap around his head] Ah! [after first rep, Dwight is injured]"

"You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm good. Hey, you know an exercise for two people that uses the whole body?"

"[chuckles] Yeah, I think I know what you're talking about."

"Tractor pulling. Too bad there's not a tractor here."

"[moaning loudly on exercise machine while staring at Donna who's next to him] Oh. Oh. Oh. [groans loudly] One thing you need to know about me. I don't quit until something tears or pops. [chuckles] You look like you're getting a good workout. Can I feel your pulse?"

"Nope. I'm good, thanks."

"Really? Hey, um... [Dwight gets up and walks sorely from his 'workout']"

"Look, young man, can you wipe down that seat?"

"Get out of my way. Huh!"

"Tomorrow's fertilizer, am I right?"

"I'm out of here."

"Donna. Donna, wait, please. I'm sorry. Okay? Listen. We both know why I'm here: to see... you... naked... while... I'm... naked."

"You stay away from me, or I'm calling security."

"Donna, come... Ah! Grr! Ugh! [Dwight is very sore from his 'workout' and cannot chase Donna]"

"You're back. What happened?"

"Oh, I pulled muscles in both my thighs. Thanks for asking."

"No, what happened with Donna?"

"Yeah, no. She's not cheating. Oh, man! Will you help me work out this knot? Right here. [near his groin]"

"Ugh!"

"Put your fingers here."

"No. No! Are you sure?"

"I'm positive. Yeah, oh, and here's your expense receipts right there."

"Who eats eight protein bars?"

"People who don't trust egg whites."

"Okay. Well, I am just glad this is all over."

"Oh, me too. And by the way, uh, I told her not to, but she's coming over here and she's furious."

"What? No, she didn't say that."

"You're right. I was paraphrasing. What she actually said was, [pulls out notebook] 'What is with him? He is crazy. I'm coming over there to talk to him.' And this was after I have no other recourse but to tell her and gym security that you had me sent there to see if she was cheating. Also, I joined the gym. You'll be billed monthly. [lays down gym membership receipt on a chair in Michael's office."

"I am not paying for that membership."

"[sitting on the floor behind Erin's desk, sighs] Ohhh... mmm..."

"Maybe you'd be more comfortable in your own office."

"No, I like the attention. Is she here yet?"

"Uh, no. [Michael sighs, Donna enters] Wait, yes."

"That's her?"

"Yeah."

"Mm-hmm. Right. Right. Right. [Michael pretends to be speaking on the phone as Donna approaches] Okay, I'll talk to you later."

"How could you think I would cheat on you?"

"I didn't. Everybody else here did. Everybody convinced me that something was up. They poisoned my mind."

"That's pathetic."

"Ye... pfff. Well, no. It's a lie. That's not what happened. I just like you. I can't believe I get to be with you. You work at an adult arcade. You could have any man you want."

"When I tell you I like you, you need to trust me, not some freak. [Dwight is gulping some sort of power shake]"

"If you wanna dump me, I totally get it."

"I told you I like you."

"Well, you are boner-ific. [Donna laughs]"

"Hey, if I said that we should go away for a couple of days, you would..."

"...poop my pants."

"Have you ever been to Vero Beach?"

"Oh, my God, Vero Beach. No. Is that on the water?"

"We're going."

"We are?"

"Yeah."

"What's up? I got your e-mail."

"Close the door."

"Okay."

"I don't have a plan exactly. More of a loose structure. Gives me freedom to improvise. It's like jazz. [scatting] Andy don't mess with me. [continues scatting] I'll figure something out."

"Some freaky stuff going on. I was walking behind Gabe and I heard some things."

"Such as?"

"It was kind of mumbled, I don't know, uh, only thing I could make out clearly was 'Andy,' 'Problem,' 'Eliminate,' something. I don't know what it meant."

"What? You don't know what it meant? How about 'Andy is a problem and we must eliminate him?'"

"Whoa. I hadn't even thought of that."

"[chuckles nervously] Yeah. Hah. Hoo."

"Oh, hey, I love your earrings."

"Thank you."

"Did Michael get them for you?"

"No, I bought them myself."

"Where?"

"Steamtown Mall."

"Claire's? Zales? Ricky's? Earring, Earrings? Fancy Girl? Platinum Cat? Where?"

"You know, I actually got them in Philadelphia, in a mall down there."

"Franklin Mills? King of Prussia? Springfield? Governor's Place?"

"Uh, Franklin Mills."

"[to Pam] What?"

"Hmm? Oh. It's probably nothing."

"Okay, heart-shaped jewelry is not something that a woman buys for herself. A man definitely bought it for her recently, and it wasn't Michael."

"Wait, so are you... you like heart-shaped jewelry, though, right?"

"No. Except for the pendant that you bought me. Which I love."

"Psst... [Creed walks by Andy and draws his right index finger across his neck, further scaring Andy, Andy looks over at Darryl who is staring him down]"

"Creed's head of quality assurance. So he'd definitely be wrapped up in this."

"So there I am, minding my own business and Darnell offers me three bucks. All I gotta do is walk by Andy and go like this. [draws finger across neck] Darnell's a chump. I would have done it for anything. I've done a lot more for a lot less."

"So it turns out Donna and I have a facebook friend of a friend in common, so I was able to see some of her pictures online. [pulls out picture of Donna embracing a man and smiling] This was taken two weeks ago. And this was taken the same night. [pulls out a picture of Donna kissing the same man] This photo was taken this morning. [shows a baby picture] It's Cece. [laughs] She's never gonna do anything wrong."

"Isn't that something?"

"Wow. [Pam knocks on Michaels door and goes in] That's exciting."

"Hey, Michael."

"Hey."

"I'm sorry to interrupt you. Um, I actually have something very important to talk to you about, business related."

"Well it can wait. It can wait."

"I lied it's personal. It's about me and Jim. We're... I just... you're the only person I can talk to."

"Jim is her husband."

"Oh."

"And..."

"And they are having problems, so sh..."

"No, not... we're not... we're not having problems. But it is personal. And I would love..."

"Good in bed."

"Yes. Yes, I desperately want to speak with you about my sex life with Jim."

"Oh, my God. Look at how cheap street level rooms are. Am I the only person who enjoys people watching?"

"[loudly] I need you to sign this! So bad!"

"Okay, weirdo."

"I love [leans over Michael's desk to look at his computer screen]... this idea is neat. I've never been. It sounds lovely. [meanwhile Michael looks at the pictures Pam printed out]"

"Yeah I think it'll be a nice trip. We're gonna get a lot done."

"[to Michael] You're gonna wanna look at the date on that. Oh, wow. Look at... golfing. [to Donna] Are you a golfer?"

"I am, but I, I gave my clubs away. I swear too much. [Pam and Donna both laugh] Hey, you okay? [to Michael, walking away disappointedly]"

"Yeah, I just remembered that I have to go to the bathroom. Pam?"

"Absolutely. [both leave Michael's office]"

"Look, I'm not down there anymore, so if the guys start making fun of you, you just, you gotta stand up for yourself."

"I know, it's just, I'm scared..."

"Your text said 911."

"Glen, could you excuse us? [Andy slams the door after Glen leaves, panting heavily]"

"It's bad."

"What's bad?"

"It's real bad."

"Still no plan."

"Oh, God."

"It's getting bigger."

"I might have to go public here, but no one's gonna believe me. Uh... I need proof. I need, like, a printer to catch on fire."

"I can videotape it."

"Yeah."

"[to camera] There it is."

"There what is?"

"What?"

"Who the hell is this? Who is this guy?"

"I don't know who he is."

"God! Lowest of the low. That guy. Just a notch above Toby. You know what?"

"What?"

"I'm gonna kill him. No, I'm not. I feel... I... no, I'm not going to kill him."

"You just have to go in there. You have to hear it from her."

"I have to hear it from her."

"You have to settle down first."

"I need to have her tell me herself. Right?"

"Okay. Okay. Yes."

"I need to have her say..."

"Yeah, but you have to calm..."

"I need to say, 'What the hell is that? What the hell is that?'"

"Okay. Look at this, look at this. Baby picture."

"No, God! No, no, oh, my God!"

"[in baby voice] Hi, Michael, hi, Michael"

"[calms down] Okay. Okay. Okay."

"[to Andy] I talked to corporate. Turns out there have been 12 reports of faulty printers. Out of 400,000. [smiles] We've investigated. Every time it's been user error. They block the vents or something, I don't know. That's why we have the fine print. Thank you for bringing this to our attention. So I'd like to reward you for that. [pulls out gift card] That's god for five bucks at Dunkin' Donuts. Any Dunkin' Donuts. [Andy looks over at Darryl and Darryl motions for Andy to go to him]"

"You know what? We should really do something fun this week."

"Yeah, we should."

"Wouldn't that be fun?"

"Yeah."

"How about Thursday?"

"Thursday works. Yeah, what do you wanna do?"

"I can't do Thursday. Book club. How about Friday?"

"Oh, Friday doesn't work."

"Oh, really? 'cause I was thinking we could go to this concert. Spice Girls are opening for Weird Al. Front row. It'd be a great, great concert."

"Shoot. I'm working."

"Oh okay. Well, maybe I could stop by."

"Well, won't you be at the concert?"

"Nope, that's Tuesday."

"Oh, well, I can make it on Tuesday."

"You're cheating. You're cheating on me."

"How do you know?"

"Pam told me. [looks up at 2nd floor windows and so does Donna; Jim, Dwight, and Pam are visible on conference room window, they all scramble as soon as Donna and Michael look up, Pam throwing herself on the floor]"

"[gasps] Did she see me?"

"[to Pam on floor] Nice effort."

"[in old Michael Scott Paper Company's 'office'] We're printing on 24-pound premium stock paper, approximately 300 sheets in. So far, no signs of distress. [Darryl is filming Andy's demonstration]"

"You haven't even introduced yourself."

"Right. My name is Andrew Baines Bernard, and if you're watching this, it's because I've turned State's witness because I'm in danger because I know too much."

"You should talk in a higher voice 'cause the camera makes you sound weird."

"Higher? Okay. [speaking slightly higher] Recently certain events have come to my attention..."

"Higher. [motions with hand to go up more]"

"Make it higher? Okay."

"Mm-hmm"

"[high-pitched] I have come to the conclusion that the Sabre corporation..."

"One more, yeah. [Again motions to go even higher]"

"[higher] May be overlooking certain safety regulations. At the danger... [printer starts smoking and explodes] ah! [speaking lower] It's working. [in normal voice] It's... I knew it!"

"This... [removes camera headset]"

"We are blowin' the roof off! Blowin' the roof off! [Darryl discharges fire extinguisher onto printer] Nice. Nice. This is my partner, Darryl Philbin. He's been my partner through this entire thing."

"I don't wanna prank anymore. Things get real. It's not funny. I'm just gonna be good, stay in my room, go to church, try to do one nice thing per day. I do not wanna prank anymore."

"Who is he?"

"What, what do you mean?"

"The other man. Who's the guy? Who is it?"

"It's you. I'm married."

"I'm the mistress?"

"[on workout bicycle at gym] Okay, everybody, let's take this next hill."

"Excuse me. Yeah, I'd appreciate it if you'd just let me run this."

"You know what? You had your chance. You're no leader. Out of your seat, let's blast!"

"Don't listen to him, we're approaching a cooldown down a gentle hill."

"No! The hill's a trap. Let's take the dirt road off to the side."

"No, guys, no. We're just cooling down..."

"If they catch us, they will rape us. Go for the cliff. And three, two, one... jump! No! [points to those around him] You're dead, you're dead, you're dead. Good jump. You're barely alive. Okay, now nice cooldown. Check your pulse rate."