Season 8, episode 19

"[telephone ringing] This is Pam. Oh my God, are you sure? Uh, okay. Okay, um, we'll be right there. Everybody, the balloon is falling."

"Nice."

"There's this balloon that has been floating in the rafters of the warehouse for, like, ever. And, okay, it's not -- it doesn't sound cool. You just have to see it."

"Well, I guess it doesn't look that cool either. But, it's been up there a long time, so it's become a pretty big deal."

"Wow. It's the end of an era."

"Did a good job, Buddy. Now it's time to come home."

"I remember when that balloon went up there. I was still with Gil. We were so happy."

"When that went up there, I had hair like Rapunzel."

"How long do you think it's been up there, Kevin?"

"I just remember pushing aside my silky bangs to say, 'Look, a balloon.""

"My warcraft clan was still on speaking terms."

"My kid didn't have a face tattoo."

"I was still thinking of going back to school."

"And I was still just a paper salesman."

"Well this has been fun, Pam. Thanks for calling us all down here. [everyone sighs]"

"Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. [pops loudly] [cheers and applause]"

"Hey. So they accidentally gave us an extra egg sandwich this morning. Who wants it?"

"oooh"

"Me."

"Yeah."

"Right here."

"Allow me to solve your problem, then."

"Nellie"

"Mmm. [bites sandwich] Oh, that is disgusting. Do you call that a King James breakfast pie?"

"What brings you to town?"

"Certainly not the Harry Houdini Museum. What a nobody. Oh look, some Hungarian just found their way out of a sack. Let's build a shrine. No, I've come to work here."

"What?"

"How could Robert transfer Nellie here after the Sabre store debacle? She stinks of failure. The fact that she could show her face around here is an embarrassment. I should know. I'm in an identical situation."

"Robert did say you'd be joining us. Welcome. I'm Tony."

"Mm."

"What?"

"I- I said I'm Tony. Okay I made a mistake. I thought it might go unnoticed. But uh, I'm Toby."

"You messed up saying your name?"

"It happens, okay? Uh, so let's just find an empty desk for you, and uh, I'm sure Robert will be with you as soon as he gets in."

"That one looks empty."

"No, that's Andy's office."

"Oh, is it?"

"I have one simple philosophy in business: if the seat is open, the job is open. It's how I came to briefly race a formula one car. The three slowest laps ever recorded."

"Another beautiful day in Tallahassee. Ooh. Good morning, Alonzo."

"Good morning Erin. [driving by delivering newspapers]"

"How are you? How's your family doing?"

"Bye."

"Look at this place! Five rooms, and I get to clean them all. That's right. I'm a maid for an old lady. Her grandson's staying with us too because he ran out of money. [chuckles] Listen to me, bragging away."

"Nellie."

"Robert."

"How are you adjusting to life in Scranton so far?"

"So far, so good."

"Good."

"Water pressure in the hotel is marvelous."

"Ah, well, it is astounding what a difference that can make, isn't it?"

"Mm-hm."

"Now. Let's find you something fun to do here, shall we?"

"Oh, I've already found it. I am manager, a natural next step. It fits like a glove."

"We have a manager."

"Do you really? Because it is 10:00. I've been in this chair for an hour, and no other manager has come and sat in my lap."

"Excuse me, has anyone seen Andy this morning?"

"Huh. Yeah, that's weird. He's usually here by now. Right guys?"

"[on phone] Hello."

"Andy, it's Robert. Why aren't you at work?"

"Hey, Robert. Ah, I really wish I could come in to work today, but I'm super sick."

"I don't care, I don't care. Please come to work immediately."

"Okay, I'll try to come in even though I'm really sick with the..."

"[standing in ocean]...Florida Flu."

"He just hung up on me mid-sentence."

"I'm in Florida to get Erin. As soon as I heard she wasn't coming back to Scranton, I jumped straight in my car and drove straight down till I hit the ocean. My heart is my map. Turns out, Tallahassee is about 200 miles inland, so I overshot a good amount. But still, not bad for a heart map right? [picking up dead fish] Oh, no. Thanks a lot, BP."

"Not much we can do about this until he gets here."

"Can't you do something about this?"

"Sometimes the flowers arrange themselves, Jim."

"-Right."

"What is going on? And where's Andy? And what is going on?"

"Erin, you got a package."

"I'm in the bathroom."

"Where's the postage? I mean, there's no shipping label."

"Did you wash your hands?"

"Yes."

"[screaming as Andy busts out of box]"

"[singing] Here I am; Signed, sealed, delivered; I'm yours!"

"Andy, what are you doing here? It's great to see you."

"Uh, I am here to take you back to Scranton. Because I love you and I want to be with you."

"Where's the ring?"

"Hm?"

"Where's the ring, Lancelot?"

"Uh, would you guys mind if we talked privately for a second? Sorry, Glenn."

"Um, Andy... I am so happy to see you. But I'm not coming back with you."

"[whispering off screen] Why won't she go with him?"

"[whispering] I don't know. Maybe it's 'cause he's not that handsome."

"Hey... don't listen."

"So what is going on? That does seem to be the question, doesn't it? [in American accent] Hey, this is messed up, bro. Who is this weird lady? [normal voice] I know. It's a lot. So, who knows what's going on? Anyone? You, yes. Wait, I am very good at intuiting names. Is it... chumbo?"

"I think it's a cross between Dumbo and Jumbo, with a hint of chubby. It's not a name."

"So no one can tell me what's going on. Well, let me illuminate things for you. We are getting to know each other. [in American accent] But why, m'lady? [in normal voice] Because I am your new manager."

"Robert, is Nellie our new manager?"

"[laughs] This is an odd situation. But it's very interesting how it's playing out."

"We live in this world of routines and rhythms. Kevin ate someone's lunch. Phyllis has a new necklace. Who is this woman?"

"I came in here simply trying to get to know you, learn your names, maybe have someone teach me the company song. And what I got in return was nothing but disrespect. You leave me no choice but to get to know you in a more intimate way."

"Hot tub party?"

"Performance reviews."

"How can you give us performance reviews if you don't know us?"

"On first impressions, so I recommend smiling. It goes a long way with me."

"Erin, you really nailed the hot dogs today."

"Oh, thanks. I've been re-using the hot dog water so it gets more flavor. It's only going to keep getting better."

"So, Andrew, how does your skinny brunette girlfriend Jessica feel about you visiting your ex-girlfriend?"

"Well, we're not really dating anymore, so... basically, I mean, I just have to cross a few Ts and dot a few I's, you know."

"So you came to get me, but you still have a girlfriend."

"I think you should leave, young man."

"All right. Technically, yes, I am still technically dating Jessica. But when I realized that I wanted you back, I just jumped in the car and I drove down here, and I didn't want to stop until I saw you."

"You didn't even stop to pee? Gross."

"Any luck?"

"No. He just keeps letting all the calls go to voicemail."

"[on phone message, singing] Please leave a message for Andy Bernard, include your na-"

"Oh, you're doing so good. Oh my God, you're superman over there. [Andy's phone vibrating]"

"You should take it. It's probably your girlfriend wondering where you are."

"Nope. It's just work. Not important. You know, I can really feel this is my quads, I can tell I'm getting stronger."

"You really wouldn't feel those kinds of results after one session."

"I don't know. [phone vibrating] Just let it vibrate. It's fine."

"You could put it on silent."

"I don't think it does that."

"Just go to preferences, then click ""

"[answering Andy's phone] Proctology."

"[on phone] Andy?"

"Jim?"

"Andy, where are you?"

"I- I'm home in bed. I've been in bed all day. I got the-- I got the serious poops, man."

"He's here in Tallahassee, trying to turn my life upside down."

"What? You're in Florida? Andy, Nellie Bertram's trying to take your job."

"What do you mean, take my job?"

"Like, set up camp in your office and is calling herself the manager."

"Okay... Jim, I really appreciate you looking out for me, but I'm not coming home without Erin. So I'll talk to you later."

"Guys, we cannot do these performance reviews, okay? If we go into them, you're basically accepting Nellie as your manager, and trust me, you do not want her as your manager."

"Trust you? The way Pam trusted you to provide for her so she wouldn't have to work?"

"I like working here."

"Dwight, should she be our manager?"

"I wouldn't let her manage a celery farm."

"Those who can't farm, farm celery."

"And when was the last time Dwight and I agreed on anything ever? [clears throat]"

"All right. Let's get going. First up, it is the woman with the beautiful fingernails and the tiny feet, Phyllis."

"Nellie, I'm sorry, but I don't feel comfortable being evaluated by someone I don't know."

"Oh. Oh, okay. I understand. Let me show you how these are gonna go. Dwight."

"I refuse to be judged by someone that I do not respect. I lost respect for you in Florida. If it was up to me, you would be in jail forever."

"Dwight, I have completed your evaluation. You're getting a raise."

"What?"

"Dwight, you carry this company on your massive shoulders. You are our Atlas, and for that do you not think you deserve a raise?"

"There's no limit to what I think I deserve."

"Then you accept it?"

"Five percent. No less."

"Absolutely not. Seven percent."

"Six percent, I know my worth."

"The raise isn't real."

"Money isn't real ever since we got off the gold standard."

"So Phyllis, now you know the rules of the game. Would you care to have a go? I'm fairly certain you're going to like it."

"Phyllis."

"Pam."

"So, Phyllis, I have been very impressed with you."

"Really?"

"Oh, yeah. The way you conquered your fear and came in here, and now the way you sit there... all very impressive."

"Um... are you aware that Nellie is giving out raises?"

"I am not. Huh."

"Yeah. She gave one to Dwight, Phyllis."

"Let me guess, you want one too? Take the family to Disneytown?"

"Land. World. Uh, it's not that I don't want a-- well, yes, I guess I'd take a raise. That's not what I'm saying. That's not-- sorry."

"Jim, I told Andy to come in, and yet he is still not in. By contrast, Nellie Bertram saw a vacuum and filled it. To make no mention of her business experience or her relationship with Jo Bennett, my boss."

"Yes."

"Jim, would you prefer a nature metaphor or a sexual metaphor?"

"Oh, god, nature, please."

"When two animals are having sex, one of them..."

"[exhales sharply]"

"... is communicating a message to the other. Nothing is mutua-- this isn't very helpful. You're gonna want to hear the sexual metaphor."

"Was that not the--"

"All life is sex. And all sex is competition."

"Mm-hm."

"And there are no rules to that game. That wasn't so perverted, now was it?"

"Was that it? No, that wasn't bad."

"My point is, there is one person in charge of every office in America, and that person is Charles Darwin. In the end, doesn't he decide who the manager is?"

"No. I would've said no."

"Mm, let's see, review, review, review. Yes, good stuff. Here you go, have a raise."

"Oh, great."

"I mean, if we go in there and take these raises, what are we saying? That it's okay for someone to just take someone else's job? Shouldn't work like that."

"No, you know what? Nellie's right. That is exactly how it should work. Darryl, this office is mine now."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes. Yes, sorry too late. I'm here. This is mine. Back off."

"[Darryl grabbing him by his hair, dragging him from office] Ow! Ow, ow, ow. Ow, ow, ow, Ow."

"[panting] Well fought. I accept the outcome."

"Touch me and I'll sue."

"I've heard that's amazing when it works."

"Yeah, if I had my own--"

"Andy, I care about you and I think--"

"--sorry, you go."

"No, go ahead."

"Well, I was just going to say that, if I had my own fountain, it would be two frogs that are spitting into each other's mouth. It's just stupid. What were you going to say?"

"Andy, you broke my heart. Do you know what it feels like to be constantly rejected by you and to have to watch you date someone else?"

"You broke my heart too."

"You broke my heart more recently and more often. And I think at some point, in my head, it just sort of clicked that we're not meant to be."

"I'm so sorry that we have not loved each other at the same time."

"I know."

"[sighs]"

"So, Pamela, I'm going to start this review, not by telling you what you lack, but rather, asking you what it is you want."

"Really? Okay, well, um, I like consistency in the manager's position, no weird silent coups. Stuff like that. I'm easy."

"That's not really what you want. What you want is a good night's sleep, working mother of two."

"Whoa, that's kind of condescending. Would you say something like that to Jim?"

"Does Jim have to breastfeed? Did Jim carry around those babies for-- what is it? 12 months? Be honest, does Jim really get up in the night?"

"Well, I mean, the only reason he doesn't is because I'm breastfeeding, and Phillip doesn't like a bottle."

"You must be exhausted. Fancy a nap?"

"No."

"Go on. Have a nap. Lie down right here. There's a blanket in here. I used it earlier myself. Dreamt I could breathe underwater like Jacques Cousteau. No one will know. I'll wake you up. And when you wake up, you will earn more money."

"I think... you're a witch."

"I think you're amazing. You know that, right? Go on, say it: 'I'm amazing.""

"[drowsily] I'm amazing. [sighs]"

"Erin, I think you're making a big mistake right now. Andy is a nice boy."

"Really? 'cause you've been kind of a B to him all afternoon."

"I was protecting you because I thought he was no good. But I can tell you really like him. And he's willing to lose his job for you, in this economy with Europe on the brink--"

"Irene, what would you do without me?"

"We're not your concern, sweetheart. Besides, Glenn's going to sue Home Depot."

"Why?"

"He got his foreskin caught in some lawn furniture."

"Jim, time for your review."

"No, it's not, because you don't really work here."

"Why are you so staunchly defending your friend, who has abandoned you? Wouldn't you rather come talk with me? Maybe definitely get a raise?"

"Yeah, that's the thing. I don't know if you can even give raises."

"Jim, have you ever heard of a character named Tinkerbell?"

"Yes."

"I'm Tinkerbell."

"No."

"Mm-hm. I'm a magical fairy who floated into your office to bring a little bit of magic into your lives, to give you all raises."

"And we are grateful."

"But here's the thing about Tinkerbell, Jim. Everyone has to believe in her or she doesn't exist."

"She dies."

"She dies! Now who here believes in Tinkerbell?"

"Let's see it. Show of hands."

"I do. [applause] Come on everyone..."

"All right, guys, stop."

"I already spent the money."

"How?"

"Come on Jim, you're killing her!"

"We believe! We believe!"

"Look at this wonderful recognition of Nellie's leadership. I believe. [applause continues]"

"That did not go how I wanted it to. Ugh. I have a whole ton of Erin's favorite food for the drive back, eggplant parm. [tosses it out car window] It's biodegradable. Animals will eat it."

"Andy wait! [running down street] Andy! Andy wait! Don't go! Andy I love you! Stop! Oh, this is the wrong Prius. I don't love you. I'm sorry."

"Erin!"

"Andy. [horns honking as they kiss in the street]"

"Let's get out of here."

"Okay."

"Let's go."

"Wait, we have to go back and get your stuff."

"No, I don't have any stuff."

"Like your toothbrush and stuff."

"I don't have one."

"You don't have a toothbrush?"

"No."

"How do you not have a toothbrush?"

"I just... there's always one around."

"You just use whichever one is sitting there?"

"I always find one. Have you ever heard of buying a toothbrush?"

"Of course. I own my toothbrush."

"I grew up poor. I had little formal education. No real skills. I don't work especially hard, and most of my ideas are either unoriginal or total crap. And yet, I walked right into a job for which I was ill-prepared, ill-suited, and somebody else already had, and I got it. If you ask me, that's the American dream right there. Anything can happen to anyone. It's just random."