Season 7, episode 19

"Kahlua Sombrero, please."

"All right, so just you tonight?"

"Actually, I am meeting somebody, but I'm a little bit early. Leaving my company. After 19 years."

"I'll drink to that. I'm starting at a company this week."

"Oh, really?"

"To begginings and endings."

"And to middles, the unsung heroes. And to moms."

"The moms and the troops."

"Do not tell my fiance I'm drinking on a Wednesday."

"[laughs] I won't... I don't know her."

"I'm moving out to the burbs... actually, I'm moving further than the burbs, I'm moving to Colorado."

"Colorado! The sunshine state."

"Yep. Don't mess with Colorado."

"Doing some skiing?"

"No, no. I don't want to end up like Sunny Bobo."

"Well that's just good sense right there. Everyone I know who skis is dead."

"You know, I would like to try the luge, through."

"Try it once, you're hooked. That's my guess."

"That's what I've heard."

"I'm an olympics nut."

"Oh yeah? Me too. Summer or winter?"

"[in unison] Summer!"

"[holds out fist] Knuckles! Actually, I gotta come around and give you..."

"You know, it's funny, I tried to get an animal olympics going."

"Really? What happened?"

"You know, life happened. What are you gonna miss most about Scranton?"

"Oh... wow. The mountains. Where things are."

"That's the way it goes."

"Man, he is late. I'm gonna call him. Do you mind? I'm sorry. [calls Deangelo, Deangelo's phone vibrates]"

"Excuse me. Hello? You running late?"

"No, I'm here. I'm right... I'm at the bar."

"I'm at the bar too."

"You are? What bar?"

"I'm at the bar. The bar that's located in the lobby of the hotel."

"I... do not see you."

"How long have you..."

"I'm been here about... gosh, over half an hour."

"Ok, me too."

"[looking up from phones in unison] Sorry..."

"What're you wearing?"

"I am wearing a grey suit, red tie."

"Are we both at the right place?"

"Which place?"

"I hear your voice."

"I hear your voice, I see your lips moving."

"I see your voice in the phone. Oh, man! [holds out hand] Michael Scott."

"Deangelo Vickers."

"Wow... that is insane! [laughter]"

"That is insane, that is the right term. Let's get some Vodka up in this cranberry, and one for my friend."

"[entering Dunder Mifflin offices] Here we go! Are you ready?"

"I am ready."

"Alright! Here we go!"

"This is it. What do you think?"

"Oh, she'll do. She'll do just fine."

"I am very much looking forward to tommorow. It feels like the culmanation of a lot of hard work, a lot of good fortune..."

"[pops up from below camera, and runs out of room]"

"Did that? Did that just happen?! [runs after Michael] We should.. we should write a movie or something! I'm serious!"

"Michael is leaving. And apparently they've already hired a new manager. And we're meeting him today. It's a lot to process. Paperwork wise."

"[wearing wig] Nope! It's not Ashton Kutcher. It's Kevin Malone! Equally handsome, equally smart! [winks]"

"Ok, everyone, as you know, one of my favorite things is fanfare for it's own sake. So, without further ado, let's start clapping! Presenting Deangelo Vickers!"

"[blinds roll down, Deangelo waving]"

"Come on out!"

"Hello! [opens door] How are you sir?"

"I am well, sir, how are you?"

"Can I just say, I am so excited to be working here. Little bit about myself, I love the American Southwest, for starters. You may call them Arizona, New Mexico, Nevada, Utah, I call them heaven. I have a peanut allergy, something I live with, it's a part of me. I've learned to cope with it. What else, I'm just as comfortable at the ball game as I am at the opera. I was a-"

"Did I want to be made manager? Sure. A great opportunity squandered? Absolutely. A crushing blow? Yes. Will I get over it? No. But life goes on. Not for me."

"[drops papers as Deangelo walks by] I'll get that you guys. Don't... it's just... you know..."

"[picks up paper] I'll help you."

"Oh, hi! [obviously flirting body language]"

"Hello!"

"Have we met before?"

"No, not officially, actually, I saw you walking out of the bathroom before."

"Well, I guess I'll go back to my cave. It was really great meeting you."

"[offers Kelly the papers as she walks away]"

"And that is what you call a meet cute."

"And we talk for like 20 minutes, no clue it's Deangelo the whole time!"

"Kind of embarassing."

"Yeah, that story makes you sound stupid."

"I happen to like the hilarious hijinx I get myself into. There he is! Deangelo, I was just telling them about last night, when we met. Remember that? That was crazy!"

"Oh. [chuckles] That was... let's see, where's my replacement? Where's the guy I'm replacing? Why don't I look to the left? He's sitting right there! [office laughs]"

"Oh yeah... I know... that's what I was just saying... that's what..."

"[silences Michael]"

"That exact situation is why I always carry around some of these. [holds up 'Hello, my name is..,'] nametags. Just in case. Because sometimes you just need to I.D. yourself."

"[laughs] Office funny guy! Always glad to have an office funny guy around!"

"I wasn't even trying to make a joke. But I guess I've always been sorta quirky, offbeat, a little twisted."

"This is Jim and Pam, aka Jap. What started as an affair has blossomed into a family before our eyes."

"Well, it wasn't an affair."

"Yes it was."

"But, no, but we are a family."

"[points to picture of Cecelia] We made that."

"Cecelia."

"Well, congratulations. I have four kids of my own."

"Really? Oh, my gosh! We just have the one, but she poops for four. [laughs]"

"Uh oh. Someone started off on the right foot with the new boss!"

"Yeah, they don't ever talk about careers that were made because of unplanned pregnancies."

"Thanks for meeting me."

"Are you kidding? I'd come anywhere to see a turtle? Where'd you find him."

"There's no turtle, Michael. I just wanted to get you here."

"You know me very well, Dwight."

"That's because I'm your right-hand man, Michael, but I can't do it again. I can't do it again for a whole new guy."

"Now I'm gonna have to go online and look at turtles or I'll be off all day."

"I want to be manager. I just don't understand why I wasn't even interviewed for the job. What's wrong? I was totally qualified, you were pushing for me."

"That apple looks delic!"

"I do a lot of portion control. I try to keep my daily calor intake under 1200. [laughter]"

"Deangelo, you're going to starve to death. [laughter]"

"So you decided to have an orgy and not invite me? I call the middle!"

"It's cool that you like the southwest. It's one of my favorite regions."

"It's one of my favorite regions? Did I just sound totally lame? No, I sounded good."

"I love the desert. It's one of my favorite ecosystems."

"Here's the great thing about the southwest; there's so much more than desert. Along the north rim of the Grand Canyon is a forest as lush as you've ever seen."

"Burnt! It's lush, dummie. Hey, Deangelo, what do you think of bald people? I hate them."

"Deangelo, I forget, did you mention you like politics?"

"I did not."

"Cause I was thinking that you should meet my boyfriend, he's a state senator. I really think the two of you would hit it off. He's a great person to know."

"Sounds very interesting, thank you."

"Dunder Mifflin, this is Erin. Ok, let me transfer you."

"Why do you use your name when you use the phone?"

"Oh, that's how Pam does it. I just copy her. She's sort of a living legend."

"Try it without using your name."

"Dunder Mifflin, this is... oh, I like it!"

"Dunder Mifflin, how may I assist you?"

"Oh, assist."

"I sorta like the old way."

"I just prefer it without the name and I thought- I've got to start doing some managing at some point."

"I know, I know, I'm sorry, but if it's not a big deal we should just-"

"And it really isn't."

"Is that good?"

"Yeah, ok, good."

"Well, I'd like to change it, actually."

"Well, whatever. Whatever you think will work."

"What do you think?"

"I think a change would be nice."

"You can do the old way or whatever you think would work. [phone rings]"

"[whispering] Change it."

"[picks up phone]...I'm so sorry. Sorry. [hangs up]"

"Hey, funny guy. Wanna have a little mid-day lawl here. Make me laugh, huh? What you got? I can't even look at you."

"Here we go... ok... what do African Americans call... [laughter]"

"Deangelo, did you order a barber?"

"Oh, yeah. Put a pin on that, kid. Can't wait to hear the punchline."

"Finish the joke, Andy. What do African Americans call?"

"I... don't know. Help me."

"[a barber enters the office for Deangelo] That is so badass. So hardcore."

"Yeah, real cool. Real power move."

"I saw a hawk today. Just sitting right there on the overpass. Looking at me."

"[to Erin] Shave me. [walks into office with Deangelo] This is going to be funny! Looks like we are going to be shaving buddies!"

"Ok, alright! I love it! I love it! Michael, this is Reggie. He is the #1 yelp reviewed shaver in Scranton. It's not even close."

"And this is Erin and she is going to shave my face. Here we go. [Erin puts too much shaving cream on Michael's face, none on the neck]"

"Alright. This is how we do it. Feels nice, doesn't it?"

"It really does. This is luxery. Here we go. Ah, that is nice."

"You wanted to talk to us Deangelo?"

"Ah, yes, please! Just cozy up there. Just thought we could have some rap sessions with smaller groups."

"Well, we don't really do rap sessions. We kinda do... [Erin shaves Michael] god... we sorta do more of like powwows or-"

"Ok, then, powwows then, fine."

"That's-"

"Hey, Deangelo, my mom just sent me this picture of Cece, it is so adorable."

"Alright, wait, little bit of backstory, she loves dogs. She calls them 'da-das'."

"Da-das."

"And what happens here is-"

"You know what, enough about your baby, ok? I'm sorry."

"We were... I think she was just trying to-"

"No, no, no, I know what you're doing. Just quit it. I want to hear from the rank and file. How can I be the best manager for you all? What can I do better?"

"You know what, everybody? You have to be honest, here. You can't say that everything is perfect. So, you know, come up with something."

"Well, Deangelo, I'd say communication could be improved. People stopped reading memos, so everyone marks them urgent."

"Ok, you know what, I mark it urgent A, urgent B, urgent C, urgent D. Urgent A is the most important, urgent D you don't even really have to worry about."

"Michael, can you stop talking now? I need to shave your lips."

"Don't shave my lips."

"[Andy walks into room] What's up?"

"I don't mean to go into a rant here, but..."

"I wrote the perfect joke. Topical, edgy, funny."

"...I saw this thing on the news. Democrats want electric cars. Republicans don't. I'm thinking, 'how crazy is it that we have a car debate going on in a city known for gridlock."

"Let's not talk politics in the office, ok? I like you better as a funny guy."

"[leans on table] I wasn't taking a position. It's just one of those things where- [table collapses under Andy]"

"[laughter] Now that's funny! That's funny! You walk much?"

"Yeah, right, I mean- [walks into door, jokingly]"

"Little click..."

"[pushing box into office] Deangelo, this box came for you."

"Thank you. That's my stuff. Yeah. Michael, take a look at this."

"Need a hand?"

"Oh, that'd be great, thank you Stanley!"

"You know, this office sort of has a perfect Feng Shui to it, so... you know, let's not go overboard with the re-decorating, and I'm still here-"

"[holds up painting of desert to office, who are impressed]"

"I still have to look at this stuff, guys."

"So this is a ten-gallon hat, huh?"

"Yep, ten-gallon hat. Technically, it only holds about three quartz. Little factoid."

"Interesting."

"Deangelo's great. I love the guy. But I'm not sure he's a great fit for the office. And also, I'm not sure if I love the guy."

"[holds out cowboy boots for Darryl]"

"Cool, cool. Alright, see you later."

"Hey, hey, hey! [holds up set of pistols in holsters]"

"No, I'm good. Keep them."

"Hey, funny man! Whatcha got for me? Make me laugh?"

"[mimes using a rope to pull himself forward to microwave] Let's see if they have my favorite teas in here... [throws tea packets into air, puts hand in unplugged toaster, pretends to be shocked, takes container of cheese-puffs and throws them into air, pours hot coffee on his pants]"

"[laughs] Drink some soap!"

"[drinks hand soap]"

"[laughter and applause]"

"I guess this is my life now."

"How do I become a manger at Sabre?"

"First thing's first, thank you for coming here directly. I know you could have called Tallahassee but they would've just looped back to me, so, it's cool you recognized my role here."

"I left a message at corporate."

"Ahh. There you go. Get a recommendation from Michael. That'll put you right on the shortlist for next time there's an opening."

"Can't you just use the recommendation you already have on file?"

"What recommendation?"

"From when he recommended me to replace him."

"...I'm sorry, I never know how to act in these awkward-type situations."

"Best whale watching: easily the west coast. If you're going whale watching on the East Coast, you might wanna bring a magazine called 'West Coast Whales'. [laughter] Because you're not gonna see them-"

"[interrupting Deangelo] Snack time! It's the witching hour! It's the sandwitching hour!"

"Awesome!"

"Mmm, whatcha got?"

"PB and J, my mom's recipe! [throws sandwitch at Phyllis]"

"Michael! Deangelo has a peanut allergy."

"I need a wide berth. I need a wide berth from those nuts."

"What are you doing? Have you lost your mind?"

"I think Kevin wants one. Kevin, here you go! [throws sandwitch into Kevin's open mouth]"

"Michael, this is serious! Do you know what happens if Deangelo touches a peanut?"

"What?"

"Michael, the last time I was exposed to a peanut, I was itchy for three days, ok? I had to take baths constantly. I missed the O.J. verdict. I had to read about it in the paper like an idiot."

"Wait, so, you don't go into shock or die or anything?"

"No, Jim, not everything is life or death. I want to feel comfortable."

"Oscar, here you go. [throws sandwitch]"

"[uses book to stop the sandwitch's flight] You're getting nut particles all in the air!"

"No one had a problem with the air here until you came around."

"[steps into conference room] Everyone, mandatory meeting. Multi-purpose room, now."

"No, that's good. You just stay in there, stay in there by yourself, loser. No body go in. [disgusted comments by co-workers] No body go in there. Stay where you are."

"Michael, This is insane."

"No, it's not insane, Oscar. I'm been here for 19 years, and just because someone else is called the boss, you're gonna throw it all away? No."

"Listen, you're the one who decided to leave. Come on, he's the new boss, you know we have to do this."

"Well, who needs him. Guess it's just you and me, Dwight."

"Correction. Just you. Alright, meeting. Multi-function room."

"[walks out] Hold on, Hey Michael, Michael, wait up, hold on. Um, so for these meetings do you just jump into business or do you start with some chit-chat or...?"

"I start with some chit-chat and a maybe a couple of jokes. And you might want to develop a couple of characters. You know what, you'll be fine."

"Maybe. Maybe not. 50/50. You know what, it is too bad for this place that you're leaving. [extents hands for hug] Bring it in, come on. [Michael doesn't accept hug] Ok. [walks back]"

"Ok. [hugs Deangelo from behind] Why did you have to be so damn good?"

"I... I'm adequete. I'm half as good as you."

"No, no, no. Come on. You are good, they know it."

"Will you do me a favour and enjoy this time, ok? You've worked so hard, get your senioritis on. It's Lake Havasu time!"

"Guess I've been working so hard I forgot what it's like to be hardly working."

"Ok. What is the Native American girl's name?"

"You'll figure it out."

"Hey, Deangelo! Wanna meet Cece?"

"That's a cute baby. Very cute baby. Adorable. Very cute."

"Thank you very much."

"See, we knew it! If he just met her, he'd understand."

"We're back in! Right?"

"I swear, that baby could be the star of a show entitled 'Babys I Don't Care About.'"