Season 5, episode 3

"[looking pregnant] Hey Michael?"

"Yeah."

"Contractions are coming every ten minutes."

"OK, just remember to keep breathing."

"My cervix is ripening."

"OK, good."

"[drawing two family trees on a whiteboard] Jan is about to have a baby with a sperm donor. And Michael is preparing for the birth of a watermelon with Dwight. Now, this baby will be related to Michael through [draws a question mark] delusion."

"Michael! My water's breaking!"

"Oh, OK! OK!"

"Aaaaaaaa! What do you do? What do you do?"

"I get a call from Jan and I meet her at the hospital."

"Right. Highways or surface roads?"

"I take Quincy Ave to Gibson."

"No, Gibson is covered in potholes. Your car breaks down. Adapt!"

"I checked the route - there are no potholes. Come on, get in here and have the baby."

"It's about adapting to the circumstances."

"[annoyed] Andy, would you like to have my baby?"

"Yes! Yeah. [squatting and pushing] Aaaaaaaa! Aaaaaaaa! Aaaaaaaa!"

"No. OK, no. I'm crowning! I'm crowning! Aaaaaaaa! [runs into Michael's office]"

"All right, OK. [to Andy] Sorry. Sorry. Here we go. Here we go!"

"The pressure! The pressure!"

"Do it! Do it! Scream! Scream it out, scream it out, scream it out."

"Aaaaaaaa!"

"Aaaaaaaa!"

"Babies are one of my many areas of expertise. Growing up, I performed my own circumcision."

"Just keep pushing..."

"[lying on Michael's desk] Hold me!"

"I'm right here."

"Cradle my head!"

"I'm right here, I'm right here."

"I'm screaming, I'm screaming, I'm screaming! Aaaaaaaa!"

"[annoyed] All right. Dwight. Just push and breathe."

"Numb me up. I want anesthesia!"

"Shhh. No, you can't have it. It's too late."

"No! I don't want natural!"

"No. You have to just push it out!"

"OK!"

"Keep simulating."

"Aaaaaaaa!"

"OK!"

"Do you have the Sharpie?!"

"Keep simulating."

"Do you have the Sharpie?!"

"Yes, I do!"

"OK! When the baby emerges, mark it secretly in a kind of a mark that only you could recognize and no baby snatcher can ever copy."

"OK."

"Ready?!"

"Yes."

"Aaaaaaaa!"

"Aaaaaaaa! It's coming! Here we go! [drops the watermelon onto the floor] Oh! God! Wow! What was on that?"

"Butter. Newborns are slippery."

"Nice touch. Good. Let's try that again."

"[eating the watermelon] It is going to be the happiest day of my life. [Dwight gets dressed behind Michael and zips his fly]"

"Hello ladies, how's my shower going? Phyllis, did you get the live storks?"

"No."

"Damnit, Phyllis! I'm sorry. [more softly] Damnit, Phyllis. It was hard enough to convince Jan to come. So are we set for refreshments?"

"Per your instructions, we have the personalized M&Ms with the baby names. This is your boy bowl, with the name 'Chevy.' And this is the girl bowl, with M&Ms with the name 'Astird.'"

"That can't be right."

"Michael wrote down 'Astird.'"

"She said it is the name of a Viking princess. So..."

"Ass...turd."

"I know. I know. It is beautiful. No. Thank you. Is this it? I mean, is this... Two bowls of M&Ms and some balloons? You know what Phyllis, I think you need to step it up. I think you need to get the lead out. Because if I'm not mistaken, we gave you your wedding shower here. We all came into this room and gave you a golden shower. Well you know what, where's my golden shower, Phyllis?"

"It does not matter to me at all whether this baby is biologically mine. I am going to love it. It's like when the dog nurses the tiger cub. Have you seen that video? It is... it's so bizarre and unnatural, but... it, it happens."

"Hey, I'm collecting for the baby shower."

"But Phyllis, it's not his baby."

"I know, Kevin."

"Why do we have to pay money to get a gift for his ex-girlfriend's unborn sperm bank baby?"

"Look at it as if you're paying for the cake, not the baby. Sheet cake."

"I do enjoy being the head of the Party Planning Committee. I'm no longer under Angela's heel, and her little grape head is under mine."

"[banging on the glass] Hey, hey. What are you doing? Don't talk to them."

"Sorry."

"Make the party. Don't - make the party, please, Phyllis. [Phyllis starts inflating a balloon with a pump] Pump it!"

"[on phone] So you know Stacy, right?"

"Right, the one from England."

"There's no one from England, Jim. Katie studied in Ireland - this is Stacy, the one who does the Murakami-style collages."

"Oh. Right, that style."

"So, Stacy and Eric get to Bogre's DeTech half an hour early so they don't have to sit on the slab."

"OK..."

"Anyway, Bogre's TA Sarah Kaya comes in."

"Wait, who's Sarah Kayacombsen?"

"No, Sarah Kaya comes in. Don't interrupt, I have like thirty seconds to finish this and get to DigiPres."

"OK."

"So Sarah Kaya says to Eric, 'No way. You can't reserve seats.' And Stacy gets all up in her face and Sarah Kaya picks up Stacy's new PM pad and throws it at the light box."

"[clearly just humoring her] No... way!"

"Yes!"

"Ha ha. That's hilarious?"

"No, it's horrible! Jim, she might get arrested."

"Who, Stacy?"

"No, Stacy is a boy. Ugh. Frustrating. Why can't you just be in art class with me?"

"Uh..."

"Oh, wait, I gotta go, class starting. [hangs up]"

"OK, I'll ta...I'll talk to you later. [hangs up] That was a good story."

"Who's Sarah Kayacombsen?"

"Yo. I got the Nard-puppy for ya. What's going on here?"

"It's a baby game where you guess whose picture is whose."

"Awww. Check it out - who would have thought that this little baby would be marrying that little baby?"

"That's Phyllis."

"Well -"

"Yeah, it is. So I hope you two are very happy together. Pervert."

"Why would that make me a pervert, I -"

"Well, it does. That's me."

"That's not you."

"Yes it is."

"That's mean, come on, that's - [Angela storms out]"

"Ahoy, matey."

"Ahoy."

"Ahoy. So, how you doin'?"

"Good."

"Um, listen. Jan Levinson is coming in today, and she is in the terminal stages of her pregnancy - the child of which I have a vested interest. It's all kind of weird. Anyway, she is incredibly... fat and enormous right now - extremely unattractive. And you are, on the other hand, one of the more attractive people in the office. So, while she's here I am going to be acting kind of cold to you. And I am doing this to pay respect to her bloated feelings. And I'm treating Ryan the same way."

"Of course. Yeah."

"I do not like pregnant women in my workspace. They're always complaining. I have varicose veins, too. I have swollen ankles, I'm constantly hungry - do you think my nipples don't get sore too? Do you think I don't need to know the fastest way to the hospital?"

"[Jan enters the office, pushing a stroller] Jan."

"Hi, Jim!"

"What do we have here?"

"This is my baby."

"Really..."

"Oh no... [Michael enters and notices Jan's baby]"

"Jan had the baby and Michael wasn't there to mark it. So the baby could be anybody's. Except Michael's."

"So this is Astird."

"Astrid."

"Oh, OK. Why didn't you call me?"

"Well, um, you know, labor just kind of started very suddenly and-"

"I could have helped."

"And the birth instructor thought it wasn't a good idea for you to be there, so..."

"Oh, man. Him? That guy? He had no sense of humor and I proved him wrong in so many ways."

"OK, you don't have any idea what I've been through, so, let's..."

"No, I don't!"

"I'm sorry, I thought today at the baby shower would be a good time for the two of you to meet."

"Can I hold her?"

"Yes, yes you can. You know, I think, just leave her in the car seat. Yeah."

"[cradling the car seat awkwardly] All right, OK."

"I love babies. I think they are beautiful in all sorts of different ways. I try to pick up and hold a baby every day, if possible, because it nourishes me. It feeds my soul. Babies are drawn to me, and I think it's because they see me as one of them. But cooler, and with my life put together a little bit. If a baby were president, there would be no taxes, there would be no war. There would be no government, and things could get terrible. It actually, probably - it would be a better screenplay idea than a serious suggestion."

"[carrying the car seat] Ladies and gentlemen, it is my privilege and honor to present for the first time in her life and in the office: Assst..."

"trid."

"...trid Levinson. Hi! Astrid, this is everybody, look. This is your family. You're going to know them for the rest of your life."

"Well..."

"[looking at Creed] Well, he may not be here. Say hello! OK, here we go. [lifting the car seat high above his head] Lion King!"

"Michael, Michael, Michael, that's... yeah... that's too high. I'll take that."

"OK, come on, let's get our shower on. Conference room, choppity chip chop."

"You OK? You seem kind of..."

"[sees Jan sizing up Holly] I'm fine, weirdo. Such an HR weirdo. Try not to suck all the air out of there when you walk in."

"Ready to play some games? Let's do it!"

"Michael, the baby's already been born."

"Uh, duh."

"So we had games planned but the baby ruins all of them."

"No, the baby doesn't ruin anything, Kevin, OK? The baby multiplies the fun. Let's just do what you were going to do."

"OK... Who wants to guess when the baby will be born?"

"All right, how about some presents? I want to see some presents. [holding a memo pad] I got this so I can write down for thank-you notes."

"Thank you. That's very sweet of you."

"Whatta we got?"

"Um, we all chipped in and got you this stroller."

"Oh!"

"Thank you."

"She already has a stroller."

"And this is way worse than the stroller she came with."

"She's got an Orbit; that's a twelve hundred dollar stroller."

"Huh. Twelve hundred dollars for a stroller? Phhhbt."

"OK, what else?"

"Twelve hundred dollars is what I spent on my whole bomb shelter. For that kind of money, this stroller should be indestructible. [straps the watermelon into the stroller on the elevator]"

"[singing 'Son of a Preacher Man' to Astrid] Being good isn't always easy / No matter how hard I try / When he started sweet-talking to me / He'd come and tell me everything is all right / He'd kiss and tell me everything is all right / Can I get away again tonight / The only one..."

"Hey you!"

"[on phone] Hey! You busy?"

"Not even. I'm doing laundry for the first time in like a month."

"OK, OK, so you gotta hear this. So, Jan's shower is going on right now, and she's singing 'Son of a Preacher Man' and everyone's just staring at her."

"I can't hear anything, there's like, there's like machines going-"

"The song is about losing your virginity next to a church, and guess what - she's been singing for the last twenty minutes!"

"I can't hear anything!"

"Oh. OK, well you know what, I um, just call me later."

"OK."

"I'm not frustrated. Even if I were in Scranton, Jim and I would have days like this. We're just... a little out of sync. You know, that's all. Oh, great. I washed my lipstick."

"[now belting out the lyrics, even though Astrid is asleep] How well I remember / The look that was in his eyes / Stealing kisses from me on the sly / Taking time to make time / Telling me that he's all mine / Learning from each other's knowing / Looking to see how much we've grown / And the only one..."

"[heaving the stroller into a tire yard] Don't hit the fence. Oh no, my child!"

"[throwing the stroller against a high chain link fence] Don't get stuck on the barbed wire!"

"[tossing the stroller off a tall heap of tires] Playtime is over!"

"So Jan, tell my intended about the miracle of childbirth."

"Well, actually, I, uh, I had a tub birth. And it was really, really quite amazing."

"You gave birth in a tub?"

"Yeah, it's a really nice transition from womb to world, you know, kind of like a big womb."

"Um, so you're in the tub with everything?"

"Oh, yeah, the afterbirth floats, yeah."

"Must be like the tide at Omaha Beach."

"Oh no, it's actually really hygienic, Creed."

"Ugh."

"I'm done."

"Me too."

"And after the birth you get out and deliver the afterbirth. [everyone starts leaving]"

"Hey! Hey, no no no no no no no no. No. No. This is the birth story. It was beautiful. It was beautiful. This is a once-in-a-lifetime experience. And I should have been there. I should have been there to witness this."

"I could have helped."

"You're sad about this. I know that, and I wish that I... but... would it help if you held Astrid for just a, a little bit?"

"[smiling] Uh, yeah."

"All right. Um, I'm just going to lie down for a couple of minutes. I'm exhausted, so um. Remind me to talk to you about Astrid's 529. Wake me in twenty."

"[voiceover] I usually love babies, but when I held Astrid I just felt... shortchanged."

"Phyllis? Could you take-."

"Hey guys."

"What's up, Mike?"

"Uh, I need some advice from one baby daddy to another."

"You a baby daddy?"

"Yeah, I a baby daddy. Um, when you first became a baby daddy, did you have an immediate connection with that baby? Like, the first time that you held it, did you find that with your baby baby?"

"Hell yeah. You know why? Because that was my baby."

"I just saw this baby daddy-"

"You should stop calling yourself 'baby daddy.'"

"Why, Darryl, because I'm quote white quote unquote?"

"Because you're not a daddy, and it's not your baby."

"Well-"

"You feel connected to his baby over there?"

"It's- that's different."

"You feel connected to this? [hold up his back brace]"

"That's not a baby."

"You want to hold me, to see how you feel?"

"[sighs] Could I?"

"No."

"[wakes up on the reception couch] Oh. I was just catching up on my sleep."

"I can imagine."

"Where's Astrid?"

"Oh, I think she's on a sales call."

"On a what?"

"Waaa! More paper! Waaa! [she cracks herself up but Jan is unimpressed] No, she's just on a coffee break."

"[sarcastically] That's funny."

"She's with Angela."

"[with Astrid covered in and surrounded by vegetables on a lunch table] That's good. Now, I need you to - I need it to look up here. Get the baby to look up here, ready?"

"OK. Yeah. Look at my finger. Look. Looook!"

"Now. Come on, up here!"

"Look up here!"

"Your hand's in it."

"What? Sorry."

"Yeah, that's a good one."

"What are you doing? What's going on? Excuse me."

"We're taking a picture."

"[picking up Astrid] There you are."

"She's nature's bounty."

"You don't flash around a newborn baby. Don't you know that?"

"Michael, I need your help."

"[sees Holly behind Jan] I was just going to... I was going to talk to Holly, about her hygiene. She smells like old tomatoes and dirt."

"Uh... come on."

"I like to call this... the bumper test. [drags the stroller behind his car and runs into it several times]"

"Sure you can't stay a little longer?"

"Oh, no, Michael, you know what? I really have to go."

"All right. All right, everybody, we're leaving. Jan and Astrid are leaving."

"You know what, where is the stroller that I came in with?"

"Oh. I took the liberty of putting it in your trunk."

"Ah. Thanks, Dwight."

"OK. You know what? There is, uh, there is one more thing that you can do for me."

"OK?"

"Don't date Holly."

"Wha - that's, I hate her. Wha - God! Why would you even ask me to - I, I mean, not that it matters, 'cause I don't, but wha - OK, all right, fine."

"Thanks for the baby shower. It was great. And I'll see you... soon."

"All right."

"OK."

"You still gonna be mean to me?"

"[just hugs her, and she hugs him back and smiles] You wanna go out?"

"Yes."

"I didn't feel much when I held Astrid, but I got a good feeling from Holly."

"[on voicemail] Hey, it's Jim. Leave a message."

"Hi."

"[on voicemail, because she's calling Jim at the same time] Hi, this is Pam. Leave a message."

"[walking to his car] Hey, it's me. It is 5:03."

"I figured I'd catch you walking to your car, but..."

"You must be out or something."

"I'll leave a message."

"Is it me, or are we just a little off today?"

"I guess this is just one of those days. It'll get better."

"Hope you didn't have any major laundry issues."

"I finished my laundry. Got all my socks. Nothing like that time that crazy guy pushed you."

"Remember that time that I helped you do your laundry and that crazy guy came in and started yelling at you?"

"And then, remember, we went shopping the next day to buy me a washer and dryer?"

"Yet here you are, back in a Laundromat. Now, I'm just trying to help you, Beesly. Be safe."

"You're probably upset that I'm even at a Laundromat right now. But, don't worry, I'm being safe. And I'm headed home. I'm... headed to my dorm. Not home."

"Wish you were home. Uh, anyway..."

"Anyway, um... I miss you."

"I miss you."

"All right, how about we play the game where we guess how big the mother's belly is?"

"Oh! OK!"

"Well..."

"How many squares of toilet paper go around the waist?"

"Does that mean there's no toilet paper in the bathroom?"

"Kevin, relax."

"OK, you know what, I don't think I need to do this one, because I only gained twelve pounds and I'm just going to get rid of all of that, so..."

"Seventeen. I say seventeen squares."

"OK, give me the roll. I'll do it."

"Do the boobs!"

"Yeah, we're not doing my boobs, Michael. OK, seven, someone give me the prize. [to Astrid] Oh, it's OK..."

"Did she really just have a baby? She's so beautiful."

"Oh yeah. Wait 'til you get to know her better though."

"Hey! HR lady, stop whispering in the corner please. Very rude. You're ruining the party."

"I'm starting to get a feeling for what life was like around here for Toby."

"[on the phone] It was terrible."

"I know."

"I prefer being stuck in a Costa Rican hospital."

"Really?"

"Not really."

"Hey Jan, you went to a sperm bank?"

"Uh, yes, I did."

"I donated sperm."

"Oh."

"Maybe I'm the father."

"Well, this is a highly exclusive establishment."

"Next to the IHOP?"

"Well, I paid for an ideal specimen."

"Are you saying Kevin is not an ideal specimen?"

"This is a wonderful shower, everyone. Thank you."

"[to camera] I might have done it with Jan!"

"It's not Kevin's child. Can't possibly be. I mean, I don't know what I would do. Sue... icide?"

"[Jan nurses Astrid with her top down, office workers try to work] Okay, 'Stridly, you want to try the other side? Okay, here we go. That's good. Oh, good job."

"Jan? What's new?"

"You know what, Kevin? Why don't you just go ahead and stare? Because, you know, it's, it's fine with me. I mean, this is sooo natural, and so beautiful, and..."

"Seriously? You're okay with that?"

"Of course. I mean, there's nothing erotic about this, you know, it's, it's, it's what these [shakes a breast] were made for, you know, I mean they're full of baby milk, they're... nourishing my baby, so... [tosses head proudly, Creed comes up to stand next to Kevin, staring directly at Jan's chest] Michael!"

"Hello, spoiled little baby, [to a watermelon] in your fancy brand name stroller. Mmm, I wonder if it's as safe as they say it is. Oh, look, a curb. Uh oh, let's see what happens... [lets it go, it flies off the curb, stays upright, and stops safely] Inconclusive. [pushes it out into the street, it rolls to a stop] Spartans would leave a weak baby by the side of the road. My parents left me beside the road. I crawled home."

"Not so weak, huh, Mom?"

"Gosh, Mommy feels like taking a jog. [runs with stroller] Oh, no! Mommy forgot to wear a bra, and her big fake boobs are really hurting her, and she needs to let go, she can't control the stroller any longer [forcefully pushes stroller away toward uneven ground with junk strewn around, the stroller hits some junk, stays upright, and stops safely]"

"Let's see what this baby can do... [drives car fast, holding stroller alongside the car, stroller remains fine] Aaaah! Aa-aaah! [throws it ahead of the car, it goes for a while and then is stopping] It's a hardy stroller. [takes watermelon out of stroller, holds it up to show camera] Maybe it's safe!"