Season 3, episode 8

"The Stamford branch is closing and everybody's just packing up their stuff. Andy Bernard made these tasteful hats."

"[to office worker] That's the other thing you got to watch out... [to Jim] Yo! Tuna! I wanna talk to you about this new boss, Michael Scott."

"Yeah."

"So what's he like? Likes? Dislikes? Favorite sports? Favorite movies? Favorite men's magazines?"

"You know what? I think you just need to meet him."

"Playing your cards close to the vest. I get it. Good luck over there, Tuna. Cross me and I will destroy you."

"Sounds good Andy."

"This is going to be an adventure."

"Yes. This is going to be very interesting. All right, I'm out of here. See you later?"

"Right on. [to Andy] Hey is that Josh's computer?"

"What?"

"Hey!"

"Hey."

"How'd the run go?"

"Ah, pretty good. I finished."

"That's great!"

"Psh, why is that great?"

"Because he accomplished something."

"What was your mile time?"

"About seven."

"[scoffs] I could beat that on a skateboard."

"Well, that has wheels."

"Yeah, well my feet don't. And I can still crush that time."

"Really, Dwight? How fast are you?"

"Let's just put it this way. Last weekend I outran a black pepper snake."

"Really?"

"I am fast. To give you a reference point. I'm somewhere between a snake and a mongoose. And a panther."

"Man, what is taking Toby so long?"

"Oh, I'll just time him later."

"And you'll compare the times?"

"Yeah. Are you ready?"

"No, my groin..."

"Set"

"...is really tight."

"Go!"

"I can't... [starts running]"

"Am I being mean to Dwight? I don't know. I did just make him run around the building and I have no intention of timing him. This isn't even a stopwatch. It's a digital thermometer. He does make my life harder, sometimes. And on purpose. Like he tried to put meters on the bathroom stalls as a way of bringing in more money for the company. [yells to Dwight] Hey, three more laps to go. Gotta pick it up if you're going to beat Toby."

"Aaaaah!"

"I should probably get back to work."

"Here... Who's here?"

"Nametag?"

"Yes, please."

"Karen Filippelli."

"Karen Filip... [In Italian voice] Ka-ren Fili-pell-li."

"Probably Italian. Possibly Filipino."

"Okay."

"My branch is absorbing the Stamford branch. Or, as I like to put it, my family is doubling in size. That's all I'm going to say about it because I have a gigantic performance ahead of me. And I have to get into my head and focus. [exhales]"

"Who's next?"

"That's Andy Bernard."

"Andy Bernard."

"If I were you..."

"Saint Bernard."

"...I would fire Anthony Gardner..."

"What?"

"...before noon..."

"I'm not..."

"...to consolidate power."

"I'm not firing somebody on the first day."

"No, no, no! Not somebody. Gardner."

"The Japanese camp guards of World War II always chose one man to kill whenever a batch of new prisoners arrived. I always wondered how they chose the man who was to die. I think I would have been good at choosing the person."

"Good morning!"

"Got the food? Good! Looky-looky-looky. What I want you to do... set it up in the conference room, please. Make it look nice. As if you are trying to impress a much older man who's way out of your league."

"Okay."

"Yes! I'm in a good mood today! I'm excited to meet all the new people and to see my old friend again, definitely. That's always a thing that makes people happy... to have an old friend back."

"Hello?"

"Ah! Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding. Our first arrival. Welcome to Scranton. This is Hannah Smoterich-Barr."

"Hannah Smoterich-Barr."

"Welcome to our humble abode. Follow me to your desk. Your ball and chain is right over here."

"You know for a lot of these people this is the only family they have. So... As far as I'm concerned, [holds up WORLD'S BEST BOSS mug] this says 'World's Best Dad'."

"Ah! There he is Tony... what's your last name?"

"Gardner."

"Gardner! I knew that. There you go. Gift bag... for you. [laughs] Okay."

"Thanks."

"Michael, I didn't get a gift bag."

"Well, they're just for guests. If there are any left over, you can buy one later."

"My bag's mostly pencils."

"Wh..and coupons... to various hot spots around Scranton. [to Tony] All right! Let me show you to your area, sir. Come on, big guy."

"Can I have your pencils?"

"No."

"Hi!"

"Hi."

"I'm Pam."

"Karen. I love your sweater."

"Oh, thanks. My Mom made it for me."

"Really? That's so cool. I've always wanted to learn..."

"Welcome."

"...to knit."

"Welcome, welcome, welcome! [in robot voice] Take me to your leader. Oh wait, I am your leader."

"Uh wait, are you a robot or a Martian?"

"Mmm... dah. I am actually your boss, Michael Scott. Welcome. Wow! You are very exotic looking. Was your dad a G.I. or uh?"

"I'll be the Number Two guy here in Scranton in six weeks. How? Name repetition, personality mirroring, and never breaking off a handshake. I'm always thinking one step ahead. Like a carpenter that makes stairs."

"Hello."

"Ah! You must be Andy Bernard. Aloha and welcome!"

"And you must be Michael Scott. Aloha and... hello."

"A-ha-ha-ho. Very good! Welcome to our little kingdom. Ah, we have a bag of nifty gifties for you."

"Michael, thank you for welcoming me to your little kingdom, Mike."

"Oh."

"Nifty!"

"They are nifty! They're nifty gifties."

"You know who I really like? Is this guy Andy Bernard. He has got this very likable way about him."

"...which is why they need a passing game."

"Right."

"[to Jim] No way. Get him out of here. We don't want any of this kind in here. Good to see you, man."

"Okay."

"[to Martin] How are you? Martin Nash, I presume? This is a little gift bag for you."

"Oh! Thanks."

"Free of charge. Follow me, I will show you where all the slaves work. [shakes head] Not... so, your desk is..."

"Hi, I'm Jim. I'm new here."

"Oh my god! It's really you!"

"Yeah, I was just doing a little joke there about how we'd never met..."

"I know. I don't care."

"Awesome! Good to be back. The place looks really good."

"It's really good to see you."

"You, too."

"Where do I stand with Pam? Um... no idea. I mean, we're friends. Always have been friends. Um....that is where we stand."

"Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in from Stamford."

"Hey, Dwight."

"Fact - I am older. I am wiser. Do not mess with me."

"Okay. Sounds good."

"What are you doing?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"I have a smudge on my forehead?"

"No. Looks good."

"Why are you looking at my forehead?"

"I'm not."

"Meet my eye line, Jim!"

"I am."

"Stop acting like an idiot!"

"Okay."

"Hey, buddy. Welcome back."

"Hey! How are you man? Good to see... you."

"I'm good! How are you? So..."

"Oh, I'm sorry. Are you sitting here now?"

"Yeah."

"Oh."

"Um... unless you really, really want it back."

"You know, man, it's really you're call."

"Cool, thank you."

"[whispers] Let me get that for you."

"Yuh."

"This one taken? No. Good."

"Yeah. Jim is a nice guy. That's why I got the desk."

"Hey, this came with the Stamford book. [Sets down box that says: Personnel Files Stamford CT Office Confidential] Can you take care of it?"

"Oh, yes I can."

"In general, they do not give me much responsibility. But they do let me shred the company documents. And that is really all I need."

"Michael Scott. Thank you. I appreciate it, Mike."

"Right."

"Hello. I don't believe we've been introduced. Dwight Schrute. Assistant Regional Manager."

"Andy Bernard. Regional Director in Charge of Sales."

"So you'll be reporting to me, then."

"Umm, on the contrary."

"My title has 'Manager' in it."

"And I'm a director."

"Oh."

"Which on a film set is the highest title there is. Do you know anything about film?"

"I know everything about film. I've seen over 240 of them."

"Congratulations."

"Hey, Toby!"

"Hey, Jim!"

"How are you, man?"

"Oh, really good."

"I just wanted to say hi."

"How are you? Hey. Welcome back. [puts out fist to bump]"

"Oh. Is that like your new thing?"

"No, I'm sorry, it's..."

"No. It's cool."

"No, it's nothing. We'll just... [shakes hand]"

"All right. Good to be back."

"So... okay."

"All right."

"All right... sorry... sorry about that."

"No problem."

"It was just..."

"[off camera]...what?"

"Nothing."

"This thing is so awesome. It will shred anything. Ooh! It will shred a CD. It will shred... a credit card. It will shred... oh! [whispers] Shoot."

"[talking to himself] I present the orientation video."

"We need to talk!"

"Not now."

"Which is higher? Assistant Regional Manager or Regional Director in Charge of Sales?"

"I told you the titles are irrelevant. They just relate to pay scale."

"Okay. So who gets paid more? Me or Andy?"

"It is not a matter of more or less. Your pay is just different. Okay? All right! Show time, part one."

"Ok. Who reports to who?"

"I don't care! Dwight! You all report to me! That's all that matters! The rest of it just work out amongst yourselves, ok?"

"And then if I want..."

"Work it out amongst your selves!"

"I..."

"Please! I have a company to run. Well, you let me run the company?"

"I..."

"Will you?"

"One..."

"Please?"

"Jim!"

"Kelly!"

"Oh! Oh my god! I have so much to tell you!"

"Really?"

"Yes! Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes? They had a baby and they named it Suri. And then Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie? They had a baby, too, and they named it Shiloh. And both babies are amazing!"

"Great. What's new with you?"

"I just told you."

"Okay. Everybody settled in? Good. Why don't we all proceed in to the conference room? Or, should I say, the banquet hall. For... drum roll, please [makes drum roll noises], the official Merger Day All-Family Welcome Breakfast. Come on in!"

"Yoko shack."

"...thank you James. [laughs]"

"Hey, champagne."

"Nope, no. Guests only."

"Looks like salmon."

"Nope. Um... for the guests it is. For you, consider it cow-meat. Strictly taboo."

"I eat beef."

"Well, then... consider it poisoned beef. No touchy."

"The beef is poisoned?"

"No, it's not beef... just... sit down, please. [talks to group] Welcome. Help yourself."

"Um... You might want these orientation materials."

"Wrong. Toby, this is an orientation not a borientation.[talks to group] Okay. Do not worry. All of your questions are about to be answered. Cell phones and pagers off, please."

"Oh, this looks promising."

"You won't be disappointed."

"Let's face it. Moving to a new job can be very stressful. So I have made an orientation video especially for you newcomers. But it's not like any orientation video that any of you have ever seen. It's funny. It's got a little bit of a zing to it and I hope that it gives you a flavor of what we're all about here at Dunder Mifflin. And what we're all about here in Scranton. So let's just all laugh together and watch 'Lazy Scranton'."

"[Lazy Scranton Video]"

"Sittin' in my office with a plate of grilled bacon, call my man Dwight just to see what was shakin'."

"Yo Mike, our town is dope and pretty."

"So check out how we live"

"in the Electric City!"

"They call it Scranton."

"What?"

"The Electric City. Scranton."

"What?"

"The Electric City. Call poison control if you're bit by a spider."

"But check that it's covered by your health care provider!"

"It reminds me of the orientation video showed on my first day. 'The Scranton Witch Project'."

"[in video] I am so scared... when people don't label their personal food."

"[Lazy Scranton video continues]"

"You like coal mines and you wanna see 'em, Well, check it out, yo, the Anthracite Museum! Plenty of space in the parking lot,"

"But the little cars go in the compact spot"

"Spot, spot, spot, spot..."

"[on video in background] Spot. Scranton. What? The Electric City. Scranton.What? The Electric City. Scranton. What?"

"Well, so far, I think it is killin'. I thought it would either be an 'A' or an 'A+' but I completely forgot that there's an 'A++'."

"[recording phone message] This is Karen Filippelli. Please leave a message."

"Terrible. Totally unconvincing."

"[recording] This is Karen Filippelli. Please leave a message."

"Not bad, but you are Italian so... try it more Italian."

"[recording] [in bad Italian accent] Dis is Kar-en Fill-uh-pel-li. Please leava me da message. A bon danza."

"You feel good?"

"Mm-hm."

"All right."

"[recording phone message] Karen Filippelli."

"Hey, buddy. Anything new to report?"

"Do you mean to me? From you? Cause that's how it works."

"Sure thing, buddy."

"Am I trying to get under his skin? Yes. Because the angrier he gets, the more marginalized he becomes. Meanwhile, Andy Bernard is out there layin' on the charm."

"Hey, Angela. Check this out. It's my new screen saver."

"Oh."

"Do you like it?"

"I do like it, actually."

"Thank you. You have such a pretty smile by the way."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

"Hey."

"Hey!"

"What happened to grape soda?"

"Oh yeah. I'm trying to move away from that. Getting into more of a bottled water phase."

"Oh. You've changed so much."

"Well, I'm evolving, Pam."

"So when do I get to hear everything? Are you still getting unpacked or... you want to grab a coffee or something after work?"

"Oh! Um... tonight, actually? No. I'm uh just still getting settled."

"Oh, yeah, no! You know. Whenever."

"Okay."

"Oh-kay. Sorry to interrupt. I..."

"Nope. You're not interrupting anything. Nope. I'm..."

"All right."

"Don't..."

"Okay."

"All right. [to Pam] I should probably get back to work. Get back to work."

"Yeah. I know, me too."

"All right!"

"The day's going fine. It's been a little chaotic but it's fine. It's great! A lot of distractions. But, it's good."

"[using breast pump] Take a picture. It'll last longer."

"I'm sorry. It's just, it's a little distracting."

"Ditto that, my brother."

"Look what's on his computer."

"What is that? A squid's eye or..."

"It's my left breast."

"How did you..."

"Right place at the right time."

"Uh, what's that smell?"

"What smell?"

"Must be an... air freshener plugged in somewhere. It smells like a funeral home."

"Oh, I'll help you find it."

"Oh, you know. Never....never mind."

"What is it?"

"I... I... I, uh, think I'm just allergic to your perfume."

"My perfume?"

"It's just my crazy nose. I'm... uh, used to different smells."

"Bob Vance bought this perfume for me in Metropolitan Orlando. It's made from real pine."

"Who's Bob Vance?"

"You have a lot to learn about this town, sweetie."

"I don't know who these new people think they are. I've sat downwind of Phyllis' stinky perfumes for years. Never said a word."

"People hate people that are different from them. That's natural. But you know what makes people forget their differences? A great show. That is why I created the 'Integration Celebration'. This is the moment when Scranton and Stamford come together as one. United in applause."

"I know what a lot of you must be thinking. 'Wow! What a day! Feels more like a night at a party than a day at work.' Well, in my opinion, business should feel like a night out. A night... at... the Roxbury. Okay. There's supposed to be music and it's... I got it, I got it! I got it. Dwight! Just."

"Do you have batteries?"

"Ssshh stupid! Um..."

"[sings drum beat intro to 'What is Love?']"

"That's it!"

"[sings] What is love?"

"Yes, yes! Okay!"

"Baby, don't hurt me."

"Okay, here we go."

"Don't hurt me! Baby, don't hurt me!"

"Oh!"

"Baby, don't hurt me!"

"Oh! Oh! Oh!"

"Whoa-oh-oh-oh"

"Scuse me! Scuse me!"

"Whoa-oh-oh-oh! Whoa-oh-oh..."

"You me? You me? Me you? You! You! You me! Bow Bow Bow!"

"Whoa-oh-oh-oh."

"You me? You me? Me you me! You! You! You me you! You! Oh my nose so itchy, why's my nose so itchy!"

"Oh, probably because of all the nose candy."

"[laughs hysterically] Okay, I told you these guys had a sense of humor."

"Very funny, Michael!"

"Okay! Okay!"

"Really funny, Michael!"

"All right, all right, I'm on a roll."

"Why are the new people on the table? To show them that we are not above them."

"Shouldn't we be equals?"

"Not today. No. Tony! Please join your cohorts on the table if you would."

"Uh... this is difficult, for me."

"I understand. We're all friends."

"No. I mean I can't physically. I can't get on the table."

"Oh, well. Just use the momentum of your lower half to hoist yourself up."

"[starts to climb table]"

"You know what? I'll help. I will..."

"No, please. No."

"Don't be shy! Dwight! Let's do this!"

"Do this. Come on. Ready?"

"Come on. We're doing this thing! Let's get up."

"On three. One... two... three."

"Bend at the knees. Okay, here we go. Here we go. I'm under this... I'm under this hock here. I don't know what I'm grabbing here."

"All right. All right. Stop. Put me down."

"We've almost got it. Push it! Push it!"

"Let me go!"

"I'm right in your crack!"

"Put me down right..."

"Up and over."

"Put me down!"

"Up and over."

"Put me down right now!"

"You've got it."

"I'VE HAD ENOUGH!"

"You've got it, you've got it."

"PUT ME DOWN RIGHT NOW or else!"

"Whoa Whoa Whoa! Okay."

"Hey, hey. Easy."

"Easy."

"I'm sorry!"

"Don't..."

"It's just not going to work for me."

"What..."

"I have to go."

"I don't understand."

"I was on the fence about this and... it's just not a good fit."

"Well, we'll squeeze you in."

"I can't work here. I have to quit."

"You can't quit! On the first day. That's [deep voice] heresy, my friend! [regular voice] Okay, let's talk about this. What happened? I mean, what... Was it Toby? Did he say something? Cause he's... what?"

"No. Toby was helpful. He was very kind. It's just your management style."

"My management style? So... didn't you think 'Lazy Scranton' was funny?"

"No. Was it supposed to be funny?"

"Okay. Well, don't bother quitting because you're fired."

"Excuse me?"

"You are fired! I'm sorry, but we don't have quitters on this team! Just clean out your desk!"

"But there's nothing in my desk except coupons."

"Don't try to apologize to me, man! It's too late. Just get out! Take your bad vibes with you."

"That was my advice. Remember? I'm the one who suggested that you fire him."

"Probably the best advice you ever gave me, Dwight."

"And what advice has Andy given to you today that you have acted on? Would 'none' be an accurate estimate? None advice? [whispers] Fire Andy. Fire. Andy."

"Dwight may have won the battle. But I will win... the next battle."

"Tony was right. This environment is dysfunctional."

"Maybe that's because some people treat it like their own private Hooters strip club."

"Whoa, Angela! Hold on. Hooters is a restaurant. With over 400 locations worldwide."

"Back to work. We don't have to get along. We just have to work together."